“Ma faither wis cooler than me,” Iain allooed as I FaceTimed him in his hospital bed.
“Wha’ dae ye mean? He wis mair stoic when he wis ill?”
He shook his heid, “Do ye mine tha hedgehog yairn? Are ye sure? Well stop me if ye mine hauf way through. So, ma faither spoke to his pal Mick who telt him aboot a man who had died in weird circumstances in Ulster: tha man had cam hame wi’ a sack oan hïs back an’ drapt doon deid when ‘e closed tha door. When tha man wis examined, it happent that tha sack hud containt a hedgehog an’ tha spines hud entered intae tha man’s back draining him slowly o’ bluid until he drapt doon deid frae shock.
“Ma faither wis a quiet man who hud ne’er gotten tha chance tae gang tae university because he helpt raise his brithers yince his mither wis widowed but he wis no fool.
“He argued wi’ Mick that this haed tae be a myth fur it dïdnae mak sense. Despite tha fact that Mick didnae ken tha man killt by a hedgehog he believed tha man wha telt him did, so stuck tae his storie.
“A few months later a letter arrived on oor doormat tae ma faither wi’ a Queen’s University, Belfast postmark. Ma mither was beside hersel a’ day til ma faither cam hame an’ showed hur tha contents.
“Dear Mr Patterson,
We write regarding your enquiry about a claim of death by hedgehog quills.
We have checked various resources in the library and, although several here in the University have also heard the tale, there are no newspaper articles, medical journals or literature that can verify the claim.
Moreover, the physiology of both human anatomy and hedgehogs makes it impossible that blood draining from multiple wounds would be pain free. We hope this answers your query.”
“My mither sayed, “So will ye phone Mick the noo an’ tell him he wis wrang?”
“Naw Dorothy, it’s eneuch to be richt.”
“So yon’s why ma faither wis cooler than me. Can ye imagine being proven richt aboot it and saying naethin to tha person who wis wrang?”
“A’ the years we’ve known each other Iain we’ve spent our lives trying to best tha ither, so naw.”
“Naw, so. Cooler than me. I wush I hud telt him.”
Published by Yarns (Twa) 2022
Ellie Ness Writes 